Dear me:
I love that you see the world in all its colors, and not just black and white. I love that you care so much about people and things. That caring heart you have will help a lot of people, just you wait. I love how you write, don’t ever stop putting your thoughts down on paper. I love how you dream, and how you hold onto hope no matter what happens. I love your loyalty to the people in your life, they are your roots and they will continue to help you grow. I love that even with all your fears you haven’t given up.
No matter what happens you still keep pressing on. I love how you can appreciate the little things in life. Like a sunny day, a card from a long distance friend, a sweet smile or kiss from your loved one, or even just a mango & kiwi shake after a long day. I love that you realize that everyone struggles, including you, but we can all overcome. I love that you have perseverance. I love you, and little by little, day by day you will come to realize just how much you are loved and needed in this world. You matter, your voice matters, your life matters, you matter so much!!! I love you, and never lose your beautiful hope. Keep smiling, keep trying, I’ve got you through it all! There is beauty and good inside of you, let it shine for all to see.
Keep doing what you're doing, live the life you want to live, love the people who loved you back.
Me
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Day Twenty Nine: Something I hope to change about myself. And why.
Last night I was so tired and overwhelmed from a busy week that I fell asleep on the carpet while listening to music. I woke up shivering and disoriented. What happened to me?
The other day I was driving myself to my office, and wondering yet again what happened to me? The younger me would have school assignments done two weeks in advance just because he liked doing it. I used to like/love learning and being accomplished but as I got older that motivation, that gusto for the things in my life, died a little each day and I’ve become this lazy, procrastinating, self-sabatoging 35 year old.
I freeze up when I need to get something done wondering what’s the point, or I’ll just wait till the very very very last moment to get it done. I miss being an overachiever or at least an achiever. I want these things for myself, yet I’m running around in circles instead of straight at it. I’m the one at fault, and yet I don’t fix it. I don’t try as much as I should or want to. I give up easily. I wait. I’m the one holding the chain that binds me to living like this, and I don’t like that. I want my enthusiasm back for myself, for my dreams, for those everyday little things. Slowly but surely I want to get that passion back and let it burn through me so I can be the person I want to me, and by being that person I can live the life I imagine for myself.
It all starts and ends with me, and I’ve got to be the one to light up my life, and get myself out of this rut. I know this, and yet I still haven’t done this…
The other day I was driving myself to my office, and wondering yet again what happened to me? The younger me would have school assignments done two weeks in advance just because he liked doing it. I used to like/love learning and being accomplished but as I got older that motivation, that gusto for the things in my life, died a little each day and I’ve become this lazy, procrastinating, self-sabatoging 35 year old.
I freeze up when I need to get something done wondering what’s the point, or I’ll just wait till the very very very last moment to get it done. I miss being an overachiever or at least an achiever. I want these things for myself, yet I’m running around in circles instead of straight at it. I’m the one at fault, and yet I don’t fix it. I don’t try as much as I should or want to. I give up easily. I wait. I’m the one holding the chain that binds me to living like this, and I don’t like that. I want my enthusiasm back for myself, for my dreams, for those everyday little things. Slowly but surely I want to get that passion back and let it burn through me so I can be the person I want to me, and by being that person I can live the life I imagine for myself.
It all starts and ends with me, and I’ve got to be the one to light up my life, and get myself out of this rut. I know this, and yet I still haven’t done this…
So the something I want to change about myself is all the small somethings that have made me see myself and life through such shadowed eyes. I don’t want to think what’s the point? Or that someday I’ll get it done? I want to be the master of my fate, the captain of my soul, and be the one setting thing in motion. I don’t want to wait for life to happen to me, I want to make it happen. I don’t want to wait for perfect moments, I want to create them. To be the muse in my life’s story.I wrote this now because life has gotten so much better. Why? I chose to make it better. I chose to do better, be better, live better. I chose to make my life the life I’ve imagined so I can live it that way. I chose happiness over sadness. Peace over chaos. Self love over self hate. I chose me. I choose to be me everyday!!!
Day Twenty Eight: What if I got someone pregnant, what would I do?
I am a firm believer that babies are blessings, period. However, babies are definitely not for me if I have a choice. If I am going to choose to have sex whether unprotected or not, then I have to face the possible consequences. I’d keep my baby no matter what, and do my best to raise my child as best as I can.
Day Twenty Seven: What’s the best thing going for me right now?
The best thing is that I’m loved by my family, my folks, and my friends. I'm trying to do more new things and be more adventurous. I enjoy the life I have with my loved ones and with my pets. I have a great life, great home, great family, and great friends...
Day Twenty Six: Have I ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes. This is my story….
A few days ago I was listening to This is my life by Shirley Bassey! and it made me think of who I was then, and who I am now. I don’t know why she sing or who wrote this song, but for me it speaks to the scars that cover my soul. It made me think of “saving my life.” There was a time when life/living felt unbearable. Where everyday was a burden upon my mind. The image that comes to mind is the mid 20 years old me sitting in my studio or the early 30 years old me driving home from school in my car …crying, thinking to myself that maybe living isn’t worth it. I cringe now thinking about the thoughts I had then. I don’t know if I would have actually gone through with it. I do know that if you are thinking about it, like I was, if you are thinking about how you would/could end things then you/I are already standing on the edge looking down into the darkness below. Wondering if it would make all this noise go away. I thought to myself that I would take some pills and sleep into dying. That was how I planned to end my life, my suffering, my pain. That was how I planned to leave this world. The person I was felt like there was nothing and no one to live for. The person I am now knows there is so much I need and want to love for. That I live for myself and for others. This month I will turn 36, and I am happy to be alive, for as long as I get to live I will be thankful for everyday. Back then I was in a really dark place, a dark period of my life, but I got through it. I got myself and my life back.
Those days there was so much pain and anguish hidden in my worlds. That was me back then, full of pain, sadness, and anguish. My heart was weighed down with sadness. The only emotion I could feel at the time. I don’t know when it all changed, when the light outside began to seep into my life and take away the darkness. There was a war raging inside of me and no one knew that all of this was existing inside of me. No one knew that I was sad, depressed, and emotionally starving inside. No one knew because I kept it inside, and hid it away letting it come out when I was alone with/in the darkness. In hindsight, I wish I would have reached out to someone, like my older sister. I was scared to let her see this side of me. I was ashamed to feel that way. What I realize now is that the people who truly love me feel that way for the better or worst. They will not abandon me when I need them the most. I’m a survivor, and it was me that saved myself. Like my friend said to me during those dark days, “no one can fix you, but you.” I’ll add to that; your family/friends/strangers can give you the tools you need but you have to make the decision to fix what was/is broken. You have to choose to live, to fight, you have to choose to try.
Even now I’m still fighting because I’ve realized how important living/my life is. How beautiful life is, and how grateful I am for the chance to exist in this world. I’ve realized that my life, my story, my struggle can save another’s life. Which is why I am writing this, why I am sharing my story with all of you. My hope is that my story will help you through your dark days. That I can be a light that leads you out of the darkness. That my scars can help heal your own. I’ve realized that this life God gave me has meaning and purpose. Those two things are created with/by my actions everyday. My meaning and purpose are to help, inspire, and save people like me. Those whol are surrounded by darkness and haven;t found anything to illuminate their life. That light starts inside of you and seeps into everything and everyone in your life. I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve walked through the darkness, sometimes I crawled. I’ve looked into the mirror only to see shadows surrounding me. I’ve laid in bed wishing to fall asleep forever. I’ve stood on the edge wondering where I should jump, wondering if I would fall or be given wings to fly. Wondering if the pain would help me feel again.
I don’t remember the exact moment when things changed and turned around. It started with a letter to myself. I had decided I was going to seek professional help. I knew I need to talk to someone with honestly and openly. I needed someone who didn’t know me and could just be there for me. So shakingly, I went to my therapist and I talked. I cried at first, he didn’t say a word and just handed me a tissue, waiting for me to calm down and talk to him. I did. Just saying everything out loud was like releasing myself from the prison I had made inside my soul. He said something about me only focusing on the bad, the things I hate about myself and my life. He asked me what about the good? What about the things that are good in my life and inside of me? Up till then everything good had been blurred and everything bad crystal clear. I don’t know when all the good things faded away and the bad came to play. I just all of a sudden hated myself and my life and that hatred grew. Looking back now it was always about balance of learning to love myself for the good and the bad, my beauty and my flaws. The same goes for my life.
We sat there and he had me write up a plan (a new start from this point on). A plan for someone who hadn’t known how long he would stay alive. It got me thinking about a future, my future, and made me realize I wanted that. I wanted to have a future. That was the beginning, the day that made me want to live again. It was a much needed start. I had poured my anguish and sadness out, and now I was in a way cleansed. Now I could build myself back up again. I wanted to live. It was still hard, but everyday since that day I woke up and told myself one day at a time, one step at a time, and over the 3+ years since then I still tell myself that. I’m finding, discovering, creating, and exploring what makes me happy and fulfilled. I think about the person I was then, and how far I have come and it gives me strength, especially on days that I can feel the darkness creeping in again. It gives me strength to endure, persevere, and live on. I’ve been through a lot in the past 16 years when I moved to a new country which I'm now calling home. I was around by my folks but I feel so alone because they did not understand me well. I made some good and some bad friends along the way. Some helped me get through life by encouraging me to dream and explore life the way I feel. Some dragged me down with their hurtful words or acts toward me because they weren't my true friends. I wrote this because in my heart I know sadly that there are others in this world who feel the way I felt. Who are drenched in situations/circumstances that bring darkness into their lives. Others who don’t understand why living is so unbearable, miserable, and/or exhausting. Tired souls, weary beings, who are a lot like who I used to be. People who have lost that feeling of being alive. Who are broken, shattered, and scarred. I think about that a lot, those people like me. It brings me an indescribable sadness knowing that it isn’t just me. I cry for you, and for myself. Which is why I write, hoping that somehow I can do something to make a difference, to help save their/your life, to touch something inside of you and help you find that will to live on. I want my story to inspire you to live so that you can write your own, and help another person find the strength to write theirs long and beautiful stories of living. BELIEVE ME... LIFE IS WORTH LIVING... SEEK HELP IF YOU'RE STUCK
There will always be darkness, but there will also always be light. Take a step towards that light and its warmth will seep into the darkness and illuminate your life. I hope that if you are reading this, that it helped you diminish some of your loneliness. You are not in this battle alone. I thought that for a long time, but it isn’t true. I am a survivor and you will be one too.
I hope my words and the songs helped illuminate your life. There is a light inside of you that will shine brightly on the outside for all of us to see.
Live and live well. Be happy. Choose to keep trying and keep fighting! NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!!!!!! and DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE DRAG YOU DOWN BECAUSE YOU'RE DIFFERENT AND UNIQUE.
A few days ago I was listening to This is my life by Shirley Bassey! and it made me think of who I was then, and who I am now. I don’t know why she sing or who wrote this song, but for me it speaks to the scars that cover my soul. It made me think of “saving my life.” There was a time when life/living felt unbearable. Where everyday was a burden upon my mind. The image that comes to mind is the mid 20 years old me sitting in my studio or the early 30 years old me driving home from school in my car …crying, thinking to myself that maybe living isn’t worth it. I cringe now thinking about the thoughts I had then. I don’t know if I would have actually gone through with it. I do know that if you are thinking about it, like I was, if you are thinking about how you would/could end things then you/I are already standing on the edge looking down into the darkness below. Wondering if it would make all this noise go away. I thought to myself that I would take some pills and sleep into dying. That was how I planned to end my life, my suffering, my pain. That was how I planned to leave this world. The person I was felt like there was nothing and no one to live for. The person I am now knows there is so much I need and want to love for. That I live for myself and for others. This month I will turn 36, and I am happy to be alive, for as long as I get to live I will be thankful for everyday. Back then I was in a really dark place, a dark period of my life, but I got through it. I got myself and my life back.
Those days there was so much pain and anguish hidden in my worlds. That was me back then, full of pain, sadness, and anguish. My heart was weighed down with sadness. The only emotion I could feel at the time. I don’t know when it all changed, when the light outside began to seep into my life and take away the darkness. There was a war raging inside of me and no one knew that all of this was existing inside of me. No one knew that I was sad, depressed, and emotionally starving inside. No one knew because I kept it inside, and hid it away letting it come out when I was alone with/in the darkness. In hindsight, I wish I would have reached out to someone, like my older sister. I was scared to let her see this side of me. I was ashamed to feel that way. What I realize now is that the people who truly love me feel that way for the better or worst. They will not abandon me when I need them the most. I’m a survivor, and it was me that saved myself. Like my friend said to me during those dark days, “no one can fix you, but you.” I’ll add to that; your family/friends/strangers can give you the tools you need but you have to make the decision to fix what was/is broken. You have to choose to live, to fight, you have to choose to try.
Even now I’m still fighting because I’ve realized how important living/my life is. How beautiful life is, and how grateful I am for the chance to exist in this world. I’ve realized that my life, my story, my struggle can save another’s life. Which is why I am writing this, why I am sharing my story with all of you. My hope is that my story will help you through your dark days. That I can be a light that leads you out of the darkness. That my scars can help heal your own. I’ve realized that this life God gave me has meaning and purpose. Those two things are created with/by my actions everyday. My meaning and purpose are to help, inspire, and save people like me. Those whol are surrounded by darkness and haven;t found anything to illuminate their life. That light starts inside of you and seeps into everything and everyone in your life. I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve walked through the darkness, sometimes I crawled. I’ve looked into the mirror only to see shadows surrounding me. I’ve laid in bed wishing to fall asleep forever. I’ve stood on the edge wondering where I should jump, wondering if I would fall or be given wings to fly. Wondering if the pain would help me feel again.
I don’t remember the exact moment when things changed and turned around. It started with a letter to myself. I had decided I was going to seek professional help. I knew I need to talk to someone with honestly and openly. I needed someone who didn’t know me and could just be there for me. So shakingly, I went to my therapist and I talked. I cried at first, he didn’t say a word and just handed me a tissue, waiting for me to calm down and talk to him. I did. Just saying everything out loud was like releasing myself from the prison I had made inside my soul. He said something about me only focusing on the bad, the things I hate about myself and my life. He asked me what about the good? What about the things that are good in my life and inside of me? Up till then everything good had been blurred and everything bad crystal clear. I don’t know when all the good things faded away and the bad came to play. I just all of a sudden hated myself and my life and that hatred grew. Looking back now it was always about balance of learning to love myself for the good and the bad, my beauty and my flaws. The same goes for my life.
We sat there and he had me write up a plan (a new start from this point on). A plan for someone who hadn’t known how long he would stay alive. It got me thinking about a future, my future, and made me realize I wanted that. I wanted to have a future. That was the beginning, the day that made me want to live again. It was a much needed start. I had poured my anguish and sadness out, and now I was in a way cleansed. Now I could build myself back up again. I wanted to live. It was still hard, but everyday since that day I woke up and told myself one day at a time, one step at a time, and over the 3+ years since then I still tell myself that. I’m finding, discovering, creating, and exploring what makes me happy and fulfilled. I think about the person I was then, and how far I have come and it gives me strength, especially on days that I can feel the darkness creeping in again. It gives me strength to endure, persevere, and live on. I’ve been through a lot in the past 16 years when I moved to a new country which I'm now calling home. I was around by my folks but I feel so alone because they did not understand me well. I made some good and some bad friends along the way. Some helped me get through life by encouraging me to dream and explore life the way I feel. Some dragged me down with their hurtful words or acts toward me because they weren't my true friends. I wrote this because in my heart I know sadly that there are others in this world who feel the way I felt. Who are drenched in situations/circumstances that bring darkness into their lives. Others who don’t understand why living is so unbearable, miserable, and/or exhausting. Tired souls, weary beings, who are a lot like who I used to be. People who have lost that feeling of being alive. Who are broken, shattered, and scarred. I think about that a lot, those people like me. It brings me an indescribable sadness knowing that it isn’t just me. I cry for you, and for myself. Which is why I write, hoping that somehow I can do something to make a difference, to help save their/your life, to touch something inside of you and help you find that will to live on. I want my story to inspire you to live so that you can write your own, and help another person find the strength to write theirs long and beautiful stories of living. BELIEVE ME... LIFE IS WORTH LIVING... SEEK HELP IF YOU'RE STUCK
There will always be darkness, but there will also always be light. Take a step towards that light and its warmth will seep into the darkness and illuminate your life. I hope that if you are reading this, that it helped you diminish some of your loneliness. You are not in this battle alone. I thought that for a long time, but it isn’t true. I am a survivor and you will be one too.
I hope my words and the songs helped illuminate your life. There is a light inside of you that will shine brightly on the outside for all of us to see.
Live and live well. Be happy. Choose to keep trying and keep fighting! NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!!!!!! and DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE DRAG YOU DOWN BECAUSE YOU'RE DIFFERENT AND UNIQUE.
Day Twenty Five: The reason I believe I am still alive today.
The reason I’m still alive today is because God and the people who love me keep me safe, keep me sane, keep me hopeful. God has saved my life over and over, and He keeps doing that. The people who love me like my folks, my friends, my family, my pets keep me going by showering their loves and compassion on me. I’m thankful for every day that I wake up to and every night I fall asleep. I’m alive, safe, healthy, and loved. Remembering that keeps me alive.
Day Twenty Four: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why I chose all the songs.
This playlist is for you, these songs are ones I listen to with lyrics, melodies, and beats that will comfort you, make you light up with a smile, dance around your room, sometimes inspire, sometimes challenge, but always be there waiting for you to press play.
Each song I chose is one I listen to for all the above reasons. So I hope that when you listen to them, when you hear their words you find the same sense of peace that I do. When you are having a bad moment, a bad day, a bad anything just put this playlist on shuffle, close your eyes, and let the world and its problems fade away.
I think those words are enough, now let the music do the talking…
Songs For You Playlist:
1) Coldplay: Life In Technicolor
2) City & Colour: Against The Grain
3) Mozella: Thank You
4) Bruno Mars/Alejandro Manzano: Just The Way You Are
5) ABBA: Dancing Queen
6) South: Paint The Silence
7) Wakey!Wakey!: Almost Everything
8) Paper Route: Sing You To Sleep
9) Laura Izibor: Shine
10) Turin Brakes: Will Power
11) Wakey!Wakey!: Light Outside
12) Coldplay: Fix You
13) Gavin Degraw: I Don’t Want To Be
14) Metro Station: Shake It
15) Flyleaf: Believe In Dreams
16) Ingrid Michaelson: Keep Breathing
17) OneRepublic: Good Life
18) Coldplay: The Scientist
19) Modest Mouse: Float On
20) Aqualung: Something To Believe In
21) Greg Long/Kristy Starling: Uncommon
22) 30 Seconds To Mars: Alibi
23) Kelly Clarkson: Breakaway
24) Leona Lewis: I Got You
25) Nelly Furtado: Afraid
26) The Temper Trap: Sweet Disposition
27) Vega4: Life Is Beautiful
28) Sia: Breathe Me
29) BEP: I Gotta Feeling
30) Taeyang: Move
31) Ryan Calhoun: Hope
32) OneRepublic: Say All I Need
33) John Mayer: The Heart Of Life
34) Phoenix: Listomania
35) The Go! Team: Huddle Formation
36) Tenth Avenue North: By Your Side
37) Marianas Trench: Beside You
38) Adam Merrin: Still Alright
39) Mika: Kick Ass
40) Mat Kearney: Won’t Back Down
41) Switchfoot: Meant To Live
42) Susie Suh: Feather In The Wind
43) Michael McCann: The Long Goodbye
44) Box Car Racer: I Feel So
45) Sparklehouse: Sea Of Teeth
45) Coldplay: Viva La Vida
46) Jonas Brothers: Burnin Up
47) Far East Movement: Rocketeer
48) Plain White T’s: Let Me Take You There
49) Jason Mraz: Song For A Friend
50)(+Bonus) Coldplay: God Put A Smile Upon Your Face & Yellow
Each song I chose is one I listen to for all the above reasons. So I hope that when you listen to them, when you hear their words you find the same sense of peace that I do. When you are having a bad moment, a bad day, a bad anything just put this playlist on shuffle, close your eyes, and let the world and its problems fade away.
I think those words are enough, now let the music do the talking…
Songs For You Playlist:
1) Coldplay: Life In Technicolor
2) City & Colour: Against The Grain
3) Mozella: Thank You
4) Bruno Mars/Alejandro Manzano: Just The Way You Are
5) ABBA: Dancing Queen
6) South: Paint The Silence
7) Wakey!Wakey!: Almost Everything
8) Paper Route: Sing You To Sleep
9) Laura Izibor: Shine
10) Turin Brakes: Will Power
11) Wakey!Wakey!: Light Outside
12) Coldplay: Fix You
13) Gavin Degraw: I Don’t Want To Be
14) Metro Station: Shake It
15) Flyleaf: Believe In Dreams
16) Ingrid Michaelson: Keep Breathing
17) OneRepublic: Good Life
18) Coldplay: The Scientist
19) Modest Mouse: Float On
20) Aqualung: Something To Believe In
21) Greg Long/Kristy Starling: Uncommon
22) 30 Seconds To Mars: Alibi
23) Kelly Clarkson: Breakaway
24) Leona Lewis: I Got You
25) Nelly Furtado: Afraid
26) The Temper Trap: Sweet Disposition
27) Vega4: Life Is Beautiful
28) Sia: Breathe Me
29) BEP: I Gotta Feeling
30) Taeyang: Move
31) Ryan Calhoun: Hope
32) OneRepublic: Say All I Need
33) John Mayer: The Heart Of Life
34) Phoenix: Listomania
35) The Go! Team: Huddle Formation
36) Tenth Avenue North: By Your Side
37) Marianas Trench: Beside You
38) Adam Merrin: Still Alright
39) Mika: Kick Ass
40) Mat Kearney: Won’t Back Down
41) Switchfoot: Meant To Live
42) Susie Suh: Feather In The Wind
43) Michael McCann: The Long Goodbye
44) Box Car Racer: I Feel So
45) Sparklehouse: Sea Of Teeth
45) Coldplay: Viva La Vida
46) Jonas Brothers: Burnin Up
47) Far East Movement: Rocketeer
48) Plain White T’s: Let Me Take You There
49) Jason Mraz: Song For A Friend
50)(+Bonus) Coldplay: God Put A Smile Upon Your Face & Yellow
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