I wasn’t born a patient person, and I am sure patience is something we learn and not in our DNA. How I wish I was a patient person, maybe my mind would be less burdened.
To be honest I hate waiting. I hate waiting for people to show up. I hate waiting to recieve something. I hate waiting for people to change and grow up. I hate waiting for my plans to become more than dreams. I hate waiting for life to reveal itself to me. I hate waiting…
I think a person with patience could wait, but for me I am impatient yet I still wait. Is it that I have a choice? No, I wait because there is no other option. When you wait it means things are out of your control and that is how it is for me.
I made a decision to live my life the way I want to, to not hold my dreams back because I want to make my family happy. I don’t think I could make them happy if my own happiness is the price. No, I used to think that my happiness was worth sacrificing but I realized that I deserve to be happy…we all do.
Sometimes you have to leave them behind a few steps so you can find what you need. For me, it seems to be that way. I have spent my life waiting for so many things and it is tiring.
How I wish my thoughts weren’t in chaos from the waiting. See, for me the waiting leaves so many doors open for things to go wrong. It is the period between what is and what will be that scares me. It is the unknown aspect of waiting. I hope I never have to wait...
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Day Three: Something you have to forgive yourself for…
The something I’d have to forgive myself for would be trying to make myself into someone I’m not. I might have done it with good intentions but in the end it wasn’t what was right for me. I need to forgive myself for holding myself back from living my life as myself, freely and uniquely. I’m not perfect…I’m human and I have to let myself be human, make mistakes, fall and get up again. I have to unlock the chains I placed around me and let myself go. So I have to forgive myself for being cruel to myself.
I have to forgive myself for believing that my existence was an option. That I didn’t need to be here, to live, to be alive. I need to forgive myself for those dark moments when I wanted to just give up on life, on myself, on everything. I have to forgive myself for wanting to die. It wasn’t because I was weak or selfish, and it’s not something I need to feel ashamed of. That chapter in my story is something I can’t ignore or forget, but I can forgive myself for feeling like I was a weak and pathetic person. I wasn’t. I’m not.
I was hurting so badly, so exhausted, it was just so painful, and all I could think was “I want it to stop!” I wanted to stop crying myself to sleep, to stop staring at that bottle of pills, to stop being miserable, to stop aching. I just wanted release from this internal torment, and so I thought death was the answer. I believed that I was only going to burden the people I love by telling them, by bring this pain into their lives. So I wanted to end it, to end my pain, and finally be free.
I’m thankful I made it through, not because I’m strong, but because I clung to hope. The hope I have for myself ,my life, my future is what saved me. It’s that same hope that continues to help me get through the tough moments that life brings to all of us. No matter what happens I know that my life is worth it. I’m worth it. I matter, and I have every right to live. It’s okay to have these scars, they are a part of me, and they remind me that I’ve gotten through the darkest moments of my life so far, and I will continue to overcome. I will find my fortitude, and keep hope as my shield.
I’m never going to be perfect. I’m never going to be anything or anyone other than me. There is beauty inside of me, and I will embrace it. I will love me, and I will remember where I’ve been as I find where I want to be…
I have to forgive myself for believing that my existence was an option. That I didn’t need to be here, to live, to be alive. I need to forgive myself for those dark moments when I wanted to just give up on life, on myself, on everything. I have to forgive myself for wanting to die. It wasn’t because I was weak or selfish, and it’s not something I need to feel ashamed of. That chapter in my story is something I can’t ignore or forget, but I can forgive myself for feeling like I was a weak and pathetic person. I wasn’t. I’m not.
I was hurting so badly, so exhausted, it was just so painful, and all I could think was “I want it to stop!” I wanted to stop crying myself to sleep, to stop staring at that bottle of pills, to stop being miserable, to stop aching. I just wanted release from this internal torment, and so I thought death was the answer. I believed that I was only going to burden the people I love by telling them, by bring this pain into their lives. So I wanted to end it, to end my pain, and finally be free.
I’m thankful I made it through, not because I’m strong, but because I clung to hope. The hope I have for myself ,my life, my future is what saved me. It’s that same hope that continues to help me get through the tough moments that life brings to all of us. No matter what happens I know that my life is worth it. I’m worth it. I matter, and I have every right to live. It’s okay to have these scars, they are a part of me, and they remind me that I’ve gotten through the darkest moments of my life so far, and I will continue to overcome. I will find my fortitude, and keep hope as my shield.
I’m never going to be perfect. I’m never going to be anything or anyone other than me. There is beauty inside of me, and I will embrace it. I will love me, and I will remember where I’ve been as I find where I want to be…
Day Two: Something you love about yourself…
I love the artsy part of me.
I love that I have an outlet that allows me the express myself in a way words, looks, and actions don’t.
I love that I can tap into this gift of writing and that I’ve discovered and enjoy that part of me that really lets me be free.
I love the artsy person I am because it allows me to see this world in a multitude of colors.
I love that I have something that brings me so much joy and hopefully I can use it to help others.
I love that I can inspire others.
I love that I care, sometimes to the point of hurting when they hurt, but I give all of my heart to the people in my life.
I love that I’m loyal to my family and my friends.
I’ll always be there for them as long as I can.
I love that I see more than what my eyes do.
I see things from my heart and my soul, and so I see the things we hide.
I love my innocence.
I love that even with all my fears I still try, I still go forward.
It might take me longer, but in the end I find my way.
I love my mind, because I think.
Sometimes it feels like a burden to have so many thoughts, but I’m happy that I revel in things.
I love that I haven’t let myself give up.
No matter how hard life gets or feels I haven’t given up, and that is what I love the most about myself.
My ability to endure, to hope, and the never let go of myself.
I love my belief that things will get better.
That if I have the will, I will find the way.
I love how important music is to me.
It makes me rejuvenating myself whenever I feel like I’m lonely.
I love my disfunctional family.
I love my smile.
I love my heart.
I love my soul.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Day One: Something you hate about yourself.
The fact that this question is so easy for me to answer with multiple somethings is what makes me really sad. To answer the prompt, I hate how much I hate myself. Sometimes it shocks me the thoughts and feelings I have about myself. Today, I wondered why I hate myself? Why I can only see the bad, the dark, the ugliness inside of me? A part of me realizes that I am not so hateable but the bigger part of me takes all the little things I dislike about myself and turns it into this self hate fest. I’m sick of myself, of feeling horrible about me, of believing I don’t deserve happiness, that I’m not a good person. I’ve never seen myself as a good person, but I know I am not a bad person.
I hate that I don’t love myself the way I should. On the outside everything seems fine. I seem fine. But I am so not fine. At the end of the day I come home to the silence, to my inner thoughts and demons, and sometimes it is overwhelming. I’m not letting myself be happy, find happiness, experience joy because for some reason I believe I don’t deserve these things, that I am not worthy enough for the life I want or the dreams I have. I don’t know why or how this hatred got so deep but it is there festering inside of me, and it makes me nauseous to feel this disgusted with myself.
The hate starts with how I see myself, and how I want to be. Maybe it’s the society we live in where outer beauty seems like the most important thing, so I strive to be that. To be beautiful on the outside, but I look in the mirror each morning and frown at who I see. I’m not beautiful. I might be cute, but I am not beautiful. I know that beauty is more than just my appearance, but it still matters to me that I don’t like how I look. I’m never going to have the 30 inches waist, 6 packs flat abs, or amazing eyes. I hate that I am so afraid to put myself out there, to risk, to be hurt, to fail. I hesitate and make excuses not to do things, even small things because of what could happen, what might happen, and that the risk isn’t worth it. I’m dying inside from my own infliction, and I am tired of holding myself back when the world will do the same. I’m tired of being my enemy, being my bully, being my hatred.
I hate myself for hating myself. For feeling so small by my own words and feelings. For hurting myself and abusing myself with these thoughts and feelings inside of me. I try to feel better, but that hatred is there. Even when I do something well, it’s never good enough, it’s never enough. I’m never satisfied with my achievements and I just make myself feel like I will never be anyone worth something. I hate that, they way I treat myself. I don’t want to keep living as this person. Today someone wrote “Love who you are, or hate who you’ll become” and it struck me because I’m hating the person I am becoming. I don’t want to be the one who makes myself miserable, who sucks the joy out of my own life. I don’t want to hold myself back from exploring and enjoying my life but I am. I am sabotaging and destroying myself with each word and look of hate. With each thought and feeling of disgust.
I get frustrated with myself and I feel sick inside to know that I don’t love myself, and a lot of the time I don’t like myself. I’m not a bad person, but I can’t believe I’m a good person, and that is the root of the problem. That I don’t believe in my worth, in my goodness, in my merit. No matter what I do, I still feel hollow inside. I accomplish one thing ,but punish myself for not doing more, being more, living more. No matter what I do I am not good enough for myself, and so I hate how much I hate myself. I hate that I have not loved myself all this time.
I hate myself with a terrifying clarity. I hate myself for not being more, being better, being beautiful, being more talented, more confident, more everything. I hate myself for all the things I lack, and more than this I hate myself for hating myself like this. For belittling and hurting myself like this, and not finding the strength to stop the hate. It all starts and ends with me.
I don’t want to keep hating myself, but these things don’t change with a day or a thought. I’ve got to constantly comfort and encourage myself so that the darkness, the bad thoughts don’t rise to the surface of my mind. I’m tired of letting myself be miserable, of taking the joy out of my own life, of caring so much about what other people think, that I let them poison how I think. I’ve got to accept myself, and that acceptance will lead the way to love of self.
This is my truth. I hate myself, and I am burdened by this dark feeling inside of me. The hope I have is what keeps my hate from controlling every part of me. My sister told me the other day to embrace the confidence that I have and love who I am. I’m going to work towards that, because this self destruction is poison and it will eat me alive inside if I let it be!
I hate that I don’t love myself the way I should. On the outside everything seems fine. I seem fine. But I am so not fine. At the end of the day I come home to the silence, to my inner thoughts and demons, and sometimes it is overwhelming. I’m not letting myself be happy, find happiness, experience joy because for some reason I believe I don’t deserve these things, that I am not worthy enough for the life I want or the dreams I have. I don’t know why or how this hatred got so deep but it is there festering inside of me, and it makes me nauseous to feel this disgusted with myself.
The hate starts with how I see myself, and how I want to be. Maybe it’s the society we live in where outer beauty seems like the most important thing, so I strive to be that. To be beautiful on the outside, but I look in the mirror each morning and frown at who I see. I’m not beautiful. I might be cute, but I am not beautiful. I know that beauty is more than just my appearance, but it still matters to me that I don’t like how I look. I’m never going to have the 30 inches waist, 6 packs flat abs, or amazing eyes. I hate that I am so afraid to put myself out there, to risk, to be hurt, to fail. I hesitate and make excuses not to do things, even small things because of what could happen, what might happen, and that the risk isn’t worth it. I’m dying inside from my own infliction, and I am tired of holding myself back when the world will do the same. I’m tired of being my enemy, being my bully, being my hatred.
I hate myself for hating myself. For feeling so small by my own words and feelings. For hurting myself and abusing myself with these thoughts and feelings inside of me. I try to feel better, but that hatred is there. Even when I do something well, it’s never good enough, it’s never enough. I’m never satisfied with my achievements and I just make myself feel like I will never be anyone worth something. I hate that, they way I treat myself. I don’t want to keep living as this person. Today someone wrote “Love who you are, or hate who you’ll become” and it struck me because I’m hating the person I am becoming. I don’t want to be the one who makes myself miserable, who sucks the joy out of my own life. I don’t want to hold myself back from exploring and enjoying my life but I am. I am sabotaging and destroying myself with each word and look of hate. With each thought and feeling of disgust.
I get frustrated with myself and I feel sick inside to know that I don’t love myself, and a lot of the time I don’t like myself. I’m not a bad person, but I can’t believe I’m a good person, and that is the root of the problem. That I don’t believe in my worth, in my goodness, in my merit. No matter what I do, I still feel hollow inside. I accomplish one thing ,but punish myself for not doing more, being more, living more. No matter what I do I am not good enough for myself, and so I hate how much I hate myself. I hate that I have not loved myself all this time.
I hate myself with a terrifying clarity. I hate myself for not being more, being better, being beautiful, being more talented, more confident, more everything. I hate myself for all the things I lack, and more than this I hate myself for hating myself like this. For belittling and hurting myself like this, and not finding the strength to stop the hate. It all starts and ends with me.
I don’t want to keep hating myself, but these things don’t change with a day or a thought. I’ve got to constantly comfort and encourage myself so that the darkness, the bad thoughts don’t rise to the surface of my mind. I’m tired of letting myself be miserable, of taking the joy out of my own life, of caring so much about what other people think, that I let them poison how I think. I’ve got to accept myself, and that acceptance will lead the way to love of self.
This is my truth. I hate myself, and I am burdened by this dark feeling inside of me. The hope I have is what keeps my hate from controlling every part of me. My sister told me the other day to embrace the confidence that I have and love who I am. I’m going to work towards that, because this self destruction is poison and it will eat me alive inside if I let it be!
30 Days of Truth
I’ve been wanting to do this ever since I saw it on another blog. Today, I decided to finally start. I won’t write everyday, but when I do write it will cover the succeeding day from the last one. I’d love to hear your truths too, and I hope that as I reveal mine you’ll find something for yourself in my honesty. I will be completely honest so it might be cringe inducing but the truth isn’t always pleasant. I won’t edit or check it once I finish. I will just write. This is the list…
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you hope you never have to do in your life.
Day 05 → Something you hope you have to do.
Day 06 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 07 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 08 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 09 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 10 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on marriage and gay marriage
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → (hypothetical) What if you got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you hope you never have to do in your life.
Day 05 → Something you hope you have to do.
Day 06 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 07 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 08 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 09 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 10 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on marriage and gay marriage
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → (hypothetical) What if you got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
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