The fact that this question is so easy for me to answer with multiple somethings is what makes me really sad. To answer the prompt, I hate how much I hate myself. Sometimes it shocks me the thoughts and feelings I have about myself. Today, I wondered why I hate myself? Why I can only see the bad, the dark, the ugliness inside of me? A part of me realizes that I am not so hateable but the bigger part of me takes all the little things I dislike about myself and turns it into this self hate fest. I’m sick of myself, of feeling horrible about me, of believing I don’t deserve happiness, that I’m not a good person. I’ve never seen myself as a good person, but I know I am not a bad person.
I hate that I don’t love myself the way I should. On the outside everything seems fine. I seem fine. But I am so not fine. At the end of the day I come home to the silence, to my inner thoughts and demons, and sometimes it is overwhelming. I’m not letting myself be happy, find happiness, experience joy because for some reason I believe I don’t deserve these things, that I am not worthy enough for the life I want or the dreams I have. I don’t know why or how this hatred got so deep but it is there festering inside of me, and it makes me nauseous to feel this disgusted with myself.
The hate starts with how I see myself, and how I want to be. Maybe it’s the society we live in where outer beauty seems like the most important thing, so I strive to be that. To be beautiful on the outside, but I look in the mirror each morning and frown at who I see. I’m not beautiful. I might be cute, but I am not beautiful. I know that beauty is more than just my appearance, but it still matters to me that I don’t like how I look. I’m never going to have the 30 inches waist, 6 packs flat abs, or amazing eyes. I hate that I am so afraid to put myself out there, to risk, to be hurt, to fail. I hesitate and make excuses not to do things, even small things because of what could happen, what might happen, and that the risk isn’t worth it. I’m dying inside from my own infliction, and I am tired of holding myself back when the world will do the same. I’m tired of being my enemy, being my bully, being my hatred.
I hate myself for hating myself. For feeling so small by my own words and feelings. For hurting myself and abusing myself with these thoughts and feelings inside of me. I try to feel better, but that hatred is there. Even when I do something well, it’s never good enough, it’s never enough. I’m never satisfied with my achievements and I just make myself feel like I will never be anyone worth something. I hate that, they way I treat myself. I don’t want to keep living as this person. Today someone wrote “Love who you are, or hate who you’ll become” and it struck me because I’m hating the person I am becoming. I don’t want to be the one who makes myself miserable, who sucks the joy out of my own life. I don’t want to hold myself back from exploring and enjoying my life but I am. I am sabotaging and destroying myself with each word and look of hate. With each thought and feeling of disgust.
I get frustrated with myself and I feel sick inside to know that I don’t love myself, and a lot of the time I don’t like myself. I’m not a bad person, but I can’t believe I’m a good person, and that is the root of the problem. That I don’t believe in my worth, in my goodness, in my merit. No matter what I do, I still feel hollow inside. I accomplish one thing ,but punish myself for not doing more, being more, living more. No matter what I do I am not good enough for myself, and so I hate how much I hate myself. I hate that I have not loved myself all this time.
I hate myself with a terrifying clarity. I hate myself for not being more, being better, being beautiful, being more talented, more confident, more everything. I hate myself for all the things I lack, and more than this I hate myself for hating myself like this. For belittling and hurting myself like this, and not finding the strength to stop the hate. It all starts and ends with me.
I don’t want to keep hating myself, but these things don’t change with a day or a thought. I’ve got to constantly comfort and encourage myself so that the darkness, the bad thoughts don’t rise to the surface of my mind. I’m tired of letting myself be miserable, of taking the joy out of my own life, of caring so much about what other people think, that I let them poison how I think. I’ve got to accept myself, and that acceptance will lead the way to love of self.
This is my truth. I hate myself, and I am burdened by this dark feeling inside of me. The hope I have is what keeps my hate from controlling every part of me. My sister told me the other day to embrace the confidence that I have and love who I am. I’m going to work towards that, because this self destruction is poison and it will eat me alive inside if I let it be!
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