Day Three: Something you have to forgive yourself for…

The something I’d have to forgive myself for would be trying to make myself into someone I’m not. I might have done it with good intentions but in the end it wasn’t what was right for me. I need to forgive myself for holding myself back from living my life as myself, freely and uniquely. I’m not perfect…I’m human and I have to let myself be human, make mistakes, fall and get up again. I have to unlock the chains I placed around me and let myself go. So I have to forgive myself for being cruel to myself.

I have to forgive myself for believing that my existence was an option. That I didn’t need to be here, to live, to be alive. I need to forgive myself for those dark moments when I wanted to just give up on life, on myself, on everything. I have to forgive myself for wanting to die. It wasn’t because I was weak or selfish, and it’s not something I need  to feel ashamed of. That chapter in my story is something I can’t ignore or forget, but I can forgive myself for feeling like I was a weak and pathetic person. I wasn’t. I’m not.

I was hurting so badly, so exhausted, it was just so painful, and all I could think was “I want it to stop!” I wanted to stop crying myself to sleep, to stop staring at that bottle of pills, to stop being miserable, to stop aching. I just wanted release from this internal torment, and so I thought death was the answer. I believed that I was only going to burden the people I love by telling them, by bring this pain into their lives. So I wanted to end it, to end my pain, and finally be free.

I’m thankful I made it through, not because I’m strong, but because I clung to hope. The hope I have for myself ,my life, my future is what saved me. It’s that same hope that continues to help me get through the tough moments that life brings to all of us. No matter what happens I know that my life is worth it. I’m worth it. I matter, and I have every right to live. It’s okay to have these scars, they are a part of me, and they remind me that I’ve gotten through the darkest moments of my life so far, and I will continue to overcome. I will find my fortitude, and keep hope as my shield.

I’m never going to be perfect. I’m never going to be anything or anyone other than me. There is beauty inside of me, and I will embrace it. I will love me, and I will remember where I’ve been as I find where I want to be…